sometimes, when i slip...

posted on: 5.14.2012

I fall.
  
It's so frustratingly true that sometimes despite my best attempts to catch myself before the crash, and despite my efforts to forestall the big ker-splat, yes, despite all that it's true that sometimes, when I slip... I fall.

I slipped today.  As soon as I got outta bed, before I even took my first step really.  
I slipped and I fell all the way down, down, down.  

I slipped in to the place where I felt, again, what it was like to have my first miscarriage, to not have any children yet and to not know for sure that there were little souls waiting for me to birth in to being.  

It was a scary, lonely place to be, one minute pregnant and the next not.  To know that there was no one who could really mourn with you or as long or hard as you because the baby you loved and whispered secrets to and allowed yourself to attach your dreams to, that same very real being for you was just an idea for everyone else.  
And ideas they can sometimes slip, too easily, from the mind.

I slipped, I think, because it was Mother's Day yesterday and I love my boys so very much and am so very blessed to be loved by them and I allowed myself to wonder what it would be like to have more little souls to love.  And you can't do that kind of wondering, in my case, with out considering the facts.  
And the facts, for me, pretty much suck.  

And so I slipped first on the miscarriages, the ones before I had Ty, there were two, and then picked up momentum as I slid down the ectopic pregnancy and bumped against the emergency surgery that followed, before Sean's birth, and I finally landed hard on the miscarriage I had just this last summer and banged my head against the knowing that we probably won't try again.


I fell.  Hard.


I didn't want to, and I had no intention to as I opened my eyes and thought what a glorious looking day, and listened to the birds who were just beginning to wake.  But I guess that's how a really good fall happens. 
Without warning.  When you least expect it. When you are least likely to brace yourself for the impact. 


I really had no plans of getting up from the fall in any sort of a hurry either.  But the pitter patter of the sweetest of little feet followed by the untiring searching of little hands under the mound of pillows I had buried my self under-- well, that kind of pulled me up quick.  And the cuddling and cooing that followed and the humming of little songs from little memories-- well, those set me right.  

And I remembered... I have these beautiful boys.
  
Hope for me, if you would...
I'm making my way to a place where slips won't come so easy.  
I'm getting ready to stand, again.


live sweet,
n


Oh, and here's this little prayer of a song for those who fall. 

18 comments:

  1. Nicole, this post is so touching. I cried reading it. Very well written and from the heart.

    I featured this post in my Monday Bytes because it really just touched me so much. If you have time check it out here!!
    http://www.whatjeanlikes.com/2012/05/monday-bytes-2.html

    xoxo,

    Jean

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  2. My heart goes out to you. I have experienced losing three children.
    I am so sorry you had to go through that. There are no adequate words.

    I am following you now.
    McGuffy's Reader
    http://ww.mcguffysreader.blogspot.com

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  3. I can totally relate to this. Some days I'm fine and then it'll just hit me out of the blue. There is nothing that will ever take away the feeling of the moment you find out your baby is gone. I read someplace that it's times like those, in those memories which hit us hard and when we share about our baby's life even so short, they are alive. Our story of having them for such a short period of time, their time with us, reaches out to others who are going through the same thing to give hope and support. Thanks for sharing this. I can imagine how hard it was because for me, every time I share and revisit the pain it's tough. It helps me to know I'm not alone by reading your words. xoxo

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    Replies
    1. Salena I am so very glad you found some comfort in my little post. I have found so much in reading the words in your touching comment.

      Aloha,
      N

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  4. Oh sweetie...I only had one miscarriage, but your words, especially the not knowing part, so resonated with me!! So glad you have sweet little boys who can bring you back from those slips!
    Thanks so much for sharing! xoxo

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    Replies
    1. You know Kristina, I don't think it's a matter of how many times you experience loss, you are changed forever whether it be a thousand hurts or one.

      Aloha to you today and every day,
      Nicole

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  5. I've never had a miscarriage but I know what it's like to love a baby and to lose one would be one of the worst things I could ever imagine to happen to me, you are strong. x

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Michelle,

      For being here for this journey.

      Aloha,
      Nicole

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  6. http://www.panhala.net/Archive/Be_Silently_Drawn.html

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for this. It is beautiful and moving.

      xoxo,
      Nicole

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  7. I have never had a miscarriage, but my very close friend went through 2 in between her children and I felt like I went through it with her. Praying for you as you fall, that you are able to keep picking yourself back up with the help of 2 wonderful little boys that you have now. :-)

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    Replies
    1. You know I truly hesitated to share this post, and when it was all said and done it was a necessary for me because it is such a big part of my story as a mother and a woman. I am truly grateful that it is not all of my story and that the two little boys who leave dirty socks on the floor and fill my heart with joy are a much, much bigger part.

      Hugs to you,
      Nicole

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  8. It seems like you are on the path to healing. Some women wouldn't have been able to be cheered by the children at their side.
    So nice to meet you, I'm a new follower from Bloggy Moms. Another Nicole ;)

    www.nicolekester.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Oh, Nicole, thank you. I don't think I would have been able to share this or even write it if I were not in a good place today, but while I love that this little space in the world, that Local Sugar Hawaii is, is a positive and uplifting place I also strive to have it be someplace real and I hope that there will be authentic exchanges here all throughout this journey.

      xoxo,
      N

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  9. This really touched me, I am not a mom but long to be. I know what it is like to battle depression, and kids do cheer one up tremendously. Have a blessed day!

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    Replies
    1. Kendra,

      If kids are anything they are absolutely the very best of cheerleaders, maybe just because they are so very true to their own emotions and have not yet learned to hide them the way we adults seem to do. Here's to the beauty of life and the smiles of little ones.

      Thank you for being a part of this journey.
      Aloha,
      Nicole

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